i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
