If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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