If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
