i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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