Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
