Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
