If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Im part way to drunk.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
