Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
