I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
