WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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