i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
