Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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