when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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