felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
