I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
