i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
