bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Holy shit dude........stairs
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
