That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
