my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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