Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
