Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize