You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
