Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I need a beard to bite.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
