would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
