Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
