the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
