we're chasing vodka with high fives
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The best revenge is premature balding
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize