Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
God I need to hump something, right now.
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