On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
