you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
