Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
