I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
