I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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