You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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