I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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