Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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