I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sober January is a disaster.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am one with the molecules
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize