You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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