His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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