dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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