I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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