Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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