Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
