So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
