I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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