allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
