I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
