I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
