call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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