Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
