And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
