I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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