Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
