come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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