she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
