I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
